Nope, it’s not like they show in sitcoms where the protagonist has a quarrel with the person and he conveniently disappears from the show. Neither is it like the movies where the person reappears after a (tremendously fast forwarded) time span, and all misunderstandings are forgotten and they’re back to being best buds. Even some of the books have it wrong. Losing a friend is one of those nightmares which leave you shaken up for days, months altogether.
The worst moments are those when you unintentionally come across a song he recommended, or a joke you shared, or a picture or… or anything else that your head unconsciously, subconsciously connected to him. Or when you remember a date which was important to him, something he was either looking forward to, or dreading and you knew exactly why.
You suddenly realize you have all this time in your hands, time you used to spend talking to that person, just talking. Maybe it’s a good thing, you know, you’ll find better things to invest “precious” time in, that’s what you end up telling yourself, trying so hard to convince yourself that all that happens, is for the better in the end.
You don’t even know who to talk to about these messed up emotions. Will anybody really understand your point of view? Or will they merely pretend to? That’s too much of a risk to take, you bravely decide. So you end up bottling it up, not knowing how to let it out, partly not even wanting to.
The voices in your head are constantly jostling for your attention, but all you want to do is block them out. Call him once more? Meet up one last time? Don’t do this to yourself!
Peace of mind? That’s a myth to you now.
No, you don’t wish him ill. You can’t get yourself to do that. You know you’d hate yourself if you even let that thought cross your mind. You want him to have a scintillating future, but never really want to find out how he’s doing.
Do you miss him? Well, of course you do. You wonder if he does too, and end up convincing yourself that he doesn’t, he wouldn’t, he has too much going on anyway. So you decide to let it go.
Just take a deep breath and let it go.